Narcissism Revisited and Its Impact on Relationships

In a recent interview on the Dr. Kelly Brogan podcast. we see that Professor Sam Vaknin holds a very different perspective on narcissism. I found this new concept very interesting, in regards to my upcoming Overcoming Relationship Self Sabotage Event, starting in early August. 

What really caught my attention in this interview (even though there were many very interesting concepts discussed) was the human infant's need to be "looked at" and "seen". This need to be seen or looked at is an essential survival skill for the human infant. This need to be seen and looked at plays a large part in Vaknin's understanding of narcissism. According to Vaknin, in this way, narcissism is natural.....even though it's extremely destructive to the narcissist themselves and to the people around them.

Vaknin also claims that the mental age of the average narcissist, based on his professional research, is 2 - 4 years old. I actually know people like this, so this was beyond interesting. I know an 80-year-old whose mental age is around 14. I was very curious as to how such a human could ever come about. Vaknin's talk helped me understand the breakdowns in raising children, which produce such end results. The numbers of people like this are growing exponentially in our society unfortunately. Because of immature and infantilized adults, the western culture is heading toward a full extinction level event, at light speed.

I found this infantilized reframing of narcissism very interesting as I dedicate a large chapter in my new documentary to the government and media's efforts to keep us all in a permanent state of arrested development. This observation goes a long way for explaining the tattoo craze, the pumped lips craze, the fitness competition craze, the "I need a nice care" craze, the fake hair craze, the dyed hair craze, the plastic surgery craze and the over sexualization craze (in regards to how people generally dress these days)......all in relation to an infant's unsatisfied requirement to be "seen" and "looked at". Most purchases today aren't based on logic and rational thought. They're based on the need to be seen and looked at, to higher and higher degrees. Social media can exacerbate these unmet safety and security needs from our childhoods, as many people today simply use social media to be perpetually seen and looked it. 

It turns out that if this need to be seen and looked at goes unfulfilled in our childhood (more so in early infancy and toddlerhood), the baby can actually die from a lack of attention, chronic stress and massive negative mental impacts. Again, when I meet many people today, their need to be seen and looked at, has completely overtaken their entire lives. For these people, if Vankin is correct.....their mental ages are again 2-4 years. Vaknin's hypothesis can also go a very long way to explaining the growing percentages of adults today who are what I like to call "PRO-TEENS"........which means "professional lifelong teenagers". Something in these people went unmet in childhood, therefore locking them in a permanent state of arrested development. PRO-TEENS are frozen in time, frozen in a past when they are still children or even infants. Dating or marrying people like this comes with some major challenges. 

Dating a narcissist is difficult of course, but maybe even more difficult than we once realized because of their constant unsatiable need to be seen and looked at. Such behavior is a form of childhood trauma, where the child never felt safe enough to settle into the natural maturation cycle. Full maturation into adulthood was missed because of this trauma, therefore producing an adult who perpetually acts, thinks and talks like a child. This form of arrested development could explain the large numbers of unfaithful partners in our society today as well, who can't seem to acquire enough sexual attention or energy from the people around them, regardless of any other factor.

I personally know many people like this, who swear up and down that their newest partner "is finally the one", after burning the last relationship to the ground....in order to get that "new prospect" in the front door. After this new prospect settles in, the never satisfied need to be seen and looked at kicks in once again.......which in turn leads to the new prospect being kicked to the curb in short order and the next romance being ushered in, to start the entire cycle over again. Look at me, look at me, pay attention to me, look at me, see me, react to me......destroys any chance of a loving long-term trusting relationship with one person. 

People who need to be looked at and seen (due to a lack of security given to them in childhood) can't settle into a long-term relationship because they need everyone looking at them at all times, to feel safe and secure. This means they're sort of like attention black holes, which travel from person to person, trying to vampire energy away from each person they come into contact with. Such people can't be loyal for too long because their constant need to be seen and looked at is in opposition to trust. Without trust no love can form. Unless we act, talk and think like real empowered and independent adults....happiness can never find us. It's impossible. 

This infantilization cycle never ends unless the person themselves starts to look at what's driving their behavior. This need to be seen and looked at seems to be exploding across our society today, and that could possibly indicate that we are dramatically off target with how we raise our children and provide safety/security for them in their formative years. This sort of adult based dysfunction means that we're raising our children incorrectly, to put it mildly. Government school has lots to do with this growing tsunami of inverted and culturally destructive infantilized adult behavior, and yet people just keep doing what's not working. Solutions are possible. Happiness is possible but some new information will be required. 

In the end, you can watch Vaknin's interview below as well. In my upcoming event on Overcoming Relationship Self Sabotage, I'll be providing punch lists so people can identify issues in themselves, in their current partners and in people they're considering dating etc. I will also provide solutions-based lists, in case you want to dig in and make it work with relationship partners who may need some extra "work" and who may be worth the extra effort. When do you cut the rope and get out of a failing relationship? When is a relationship beyond saving? How can we find better partners and how can we make ourselves better partners for others as well? 

Divorce is very expensive of course and breakups are often painful, so it may be a good idea to take a second look at making things work. Click here to explore my upcoming Overcoming Self Sabotage Event starting at the beginning of August.