How To Heal from Relationship Trauma

Most of our trauma in life stems back to relationship trauma....our inability to feel safe inside our own skin because at one time we weren't safe in our relationships. When we were young, we counted on the relationships with our caregivers to provide us with the safety and security we needed to thrive and mature toward functional emotional milestones. If we felt safe as children, our human biology gets set for long term happiness......where we acquire the natural ability to develop lasting and meaningful relationships with the people around us.

 

But what happens when we don't feel safe inside our childhood environment? Well, what happens is that our nervous system learns that the world we live in isn't safe. Once that occurs, certain changes in our nervous system manifest...to protect us from that danger. When we don't feel confident that it's safe to interact with the world or with the people around us, we develop behaviors that are hyper protective. Those adaptative behaviors aren't conducive to long lasting relationships, marriages etc.

 

This has lots to do with the general isolation, misery and divorce rate that we observe today in the Western world. Our cultural environment is becoming less able to provide children with the safety required to form healthy bonds with our world and the people inside of it. The biggest pressure of course on parents today, which leads to their children feeling completely unsafe in the world, is the pressure to have both parents working outside the home. This scenario often ends with sending children into the care of others, at earlier and earlier ages. Situations where children are given into the care of others, at too early an age, appears to be the proverbial straw that breaks the camel's back.

 

Being with our parents (when we are young) is extremely important for our mental development. Once children are outsourced to others for their care, immense damage can be done neurologically, even though that damage won't be immediately obvious to any onlooker.

 

In one study reviewed by Bessel van der Kolk in his famous book "The Body Keeps the Score", he recounted that children who stayed in WW II London with their parents, during massive bombing raids, fared better psychologically compared to children sent to live in the peaceful countryside. (away from their parents) The children who stayed with their parents during the bombing raids were also witness to mass deaths plus the destruction of the city.....but still showed better emotional regulation compared to children who were simply separated from their parents and sent to stay in the peaceful (non-bloody) countryside. Not having our parents around us when we're young, is a very big trauma that often rewires our adult brains for long term relationship disasters.

 

Children who carry trauma grow up to be adults who have a difficult time forming long lasting and meaningful relationships with most everyone around them. They are often what we call "awkward" in social situations. They're prone to cause conflict and problems when they try to engage with other people. Addictions are also common. The sedative (and addictive) psychoactive substances traumatized people use (which numb their nervous systems) help them feel a little safer in their perpetually unsafe world. Addiction and unsafe childhoods go hand in hand.

 

Self-harm and unsafe "adrenaline" producing activities are also common....as those activities can produce intense feelings, which in turn can force the nervous system to wake up from its perpetual disconnection. Once the thrill is over, the disconnection often sets back in quickly.

 

Some of the biggest issues with a "disconnected" nervous system (due to childhood trauma) is that these people often can't gauge what's dangerous and not dangerous. Due to this side effect of a traumatized nervous system, trauma victims can often walk headlong into marriage and relationship destroying affairs, without understanding the fire they're playing with.

 

Traumatized people are just like heat seeking missiles for anything that makes them feel safe, loved and connected again. That could be your own husband or wife (that you still love) at 9 AM as you're leaving the house......and then a collogue at work at 11 AM, all in the same day. Dysregulated nervous systems, due to trauma, have lots to do with failed relationships, sky high divorce rates and broken families. Trauma shuts down logical thought, rational analysis and long-term planning. This spells "martial affair" later in life, in many cases.

 

In families like this, the children often become traumatized, and the cycle simply repeats itself in the next disconnected generation. Although we can't change what happened to us as children, we can indeed accept our trauma impacts and choose a healing path instead.

 

I'm holding an overcoming relationship self-sabotage education session coming up next week. Divorce can be expensive of course and breakups are often super painful. Maybe you need some new information for the marriage or relationship you're already in. Maybe you need some new information, so your own trauma doesn't wreck the next romance you step into. Maybe you need a checklist so you can see trauma victims coming your way or maybe you just want a solutions check list, so you can make things better in all your relationships moving forward. If you want information on this small fee event, please email [email protected] today or you can click here.